Changes. Everything changes. The ways of people, Your likes and dislikes, Your face, your body, The beauty wears off, The inconspicuos becomes appealing, Feelings,
But life doesn’t really change. The only thing that changes is the way you see life. The way you see the world. The way you see people. The way you see yourself.
Dear self (5 years from now),
Hi. It’s kind of funny writing this letter to you but I thought about this when I was in the shower like a minute ago. I’m just wondering what you are like right now - what you do for a living, where you live, who you’re with and how much you’ve changed.
You see, I just woke up this morning not knowing what to do again. I guess it’s one of those days when you feel so empty. Uninspired. I always try not to feel this but these negative bastards would creep in from time to time. Uninvited.
Anyway, I would just like to tell you how my 2012 (so far) is like. But there’s not much to talk about since my planner this year is almost untouched. I don’t like comparing but if I would look at how brimming my 2011 planner was, I really miss the action. Or maybe I’m still in the phase of adjustment. Adjusting with living back here in the UK again, with the people, the parents and most of all, the lifestyle. There are days that I think about how done I am with my 2012 and start 2013 already. I want to forget all the endorphin-sucking negative experience I had. Though of course, it has shaped who I am now and it taught me the things that I should try not to inflict to others.
So what do you do now? Are you happy? Do you enjoy what you’re doing? 5 years is a long time. I’m sure an awful lot has changed. But I hope these changes are good. Changes are always good. Don’t worry though because I’ll be praying for your guidance everyday.
How about the people that you’re with? Have you met the people that I wanted to meet? Did you gain any good friends? And please, I hope you didn’t lose any of your awesome ones.
- Sometimes, hormones are just so hard to fight. Lucky are those who have healthy distractions at that exact moment. Me, seeing something yellow and bright helps a bit.
- My heart still works. It’s feeling a lot right now.
- Starting tomorrow until the next few months, I seriously need to be focused on my goal. 10 more months of studying and I’ll be working, earning and basically will be dealing with the real world. How exciting!!!
- I have been feeling a little bit off lately. I somehow noticed that I stopped doing some of my daily positive rituals. I gotta get back to those.
- Laugh. Grab every opportunity you can get to exercise that muscle group. Don’t care if it’s an unladylike or a boisterous noise. Real laughter is a sign of life. Do it often whether it’s with a stranger, a friend or a loved one.
- Tumblr. Write. Express. I’ve been on a hiatus for too long.
One of those days when you just feel ugly. Skin feels dry and horrendous, girly cramps, hair is so bad and all you wanna do is stay in.
When you live in a conservative culture, environment, and personally, religion, which I do, you will be told a lot of things—especially if you’re a woman.
Do not ever make the first move. Magpa-demure ka. Keep your feelings to yourself—even if all you want to do is shout at the top of your lungs and explode from joy, from sadness, and from pain. Ikaw, do not ever confront a guy about his intentions, his feelings towards you unless he brings up the topic first. Bakit ba, guard your heart, eh. You are a woman of God and you deserve to be pursued. (Pursued!) Don’t assume.
If he’s friendly, good. If he treats you like you are ‘more than a friend,’ magpakatanga ka lang, act like you don’t know anything. If you start falling in love with a guy, keep it to yourself and wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait! Patience, darling girl.
Wait until he jolts you wide awake, shakes you off your sanity, leaves you clutching your heart, and feel emptiness that is so heavy. (How can emptiness feel so heavy?)
He fell in love with someone else, and he is happy, and all you can do is be quiet, cry, pray, and listen to sad songs that make you cry even more. You played your cards right, didn’t you? You waited, you waited! So, bakit ngayon ikaw yung umiiyak?
I am through with waiting. I am through with acting innocent. If a guy likes me, he likes me. He likes me enough to respect me that he takes care of his actions towards me and with other girls. He likes me enough to be straightforward, pristine, clear. He likes me enough na hindi niya ako papaasahin. Respeto.
If I scare off a guy by making the first move, by asking for his intentions—before everything else turns into this complicated mess—then he doesn’t even deserve to be with me. Ano bang mawawala sa’kin?
I am tired of being told how, as a woman, this is how I should act. I am a person deserving of love, I am a person deserving of clarity, and I am definitely a person deserving of honesty.
How extremely beautiful it is to be alone and imperfect and incomplete and wake up one day realizing that all is well and as it should be.
To heartaches and things one can never be, to standards that were made to never be kept up with, to nights that drag longer than it should, to pasts that are no more, to presents that are no less, and to the future, that’s anybody’s guess.
To many things in life I do not understand, and to the beauty it withholds.
I think it’s a little crazy how someone can just come into your life and make your dormant heart erupt.
"Light of the world, shine on me. Love is the answer.”
and not because of what they can do for me.