Lately, my life has encountered such a shift. It was an adventurous choice I made without thinking about the the effects it may instantly create. But when I think about the other route (the usual on going routine that I’ll be plainly getting on with), how different would things be? I have no idea. Though I’m not complaining, there is this circumvented part of my being which is so skeptical. The “Negatron” who just don’t believe that changes are good and it’ll only disrupt my fixed flow and my balance that I’ve been working on for quite a while now.
Again, I’ve been reminded several days ago that I’ve already been single for nearly four years. Four years, wow. If I was back to being 18, that’s almost eternal. However, regardless of the occasional feeling of “loneliness” during Valentines Day, cold winter nights and times when I just miss someone to care for, I have adjusted. I have grown no stranger to the single life. The “I’m not lonely when I’m alone” kind of thing. I got used to just doing my own stuff, going wherever I want to go, meeting up with whoever I want to meet with. It’s actually the perfect time to be connected with myself alone and figure out what I’m all about.
I’ve been told that I’m so picky, so hard to get, whatever you want to call it. After months or maybe years of trying to understand my paradoxical behaviour towards guys who made me feel a certain way, I’ve finally deciphered it somehow. I was so frustrated with myself that I kept pushing them a way but at the same time I wanted them. I wanted them so bad that I weeded them out.
and it makes sense now…
It’s like a form of self sabotage. I somehow try to get rid of the things that bring changes into my life, my routine, my emotional homeostasis. I guess it’s because I’m just a human being. And just like for other human beings, the instant feeling towards change is discomfort. And who at a stroke likes to feel uncomfortable? No one. There’s also that fear of the unknown. The fear of accepting the change and what if it doesn’t work out? What if it ruins me? It’s almost comparable to my body’s immune system when it attacks whatever foreign matter is trying to get in whether it’s there to help or to irritate.
I’ve seen things like this happen in movies, in books I’ve read or just other people’s experience. I just didn’t realise that it’s actually not that straight forward to detect when it happens to you.
I’m just slowly and surely (or not quite) striving to figure things out. Maybe he’s right, that I’m a puzzle laying on the floor screaming “please solve me!” Or when he said that I’m just exploring my inner self and I’m taking him with me.
Who knows. Nobody knows. I believe time is the ultimate teller.
But do I really need others to help solve “me”? Do I continue doing it myself?
Oh lord I need some pizza.
his deceivingly genuine smile
i wasn’t prepared for that
i really thought there was something there
but that’s probably the killer
it was obviously overrated
i overrated it
I’m so sorry for being so dry lately. I’m sorry for being so distant even if I do talk to you everyday. I’m sorry for not being as grateful as I should be.
No matter how much I tend to overlook the love you abundantly shower upon me everyday, you continually show me it in every simple blessings I receive every single time. You continually draw me back to your arms. Your arms that can instantly renew me. I’m so sorry that sometimes I am so unworthy of your love, that I can be so selfish and only focus on me and my own needs and satisfaction.
I want you to know that I acknowledge your presence in my life. I can’t see you, I can’t physically feel and hear you but I know in my heart how you work in my life everyday. I know I have nothing to fear because You are here with me.
I love you.
No. I don’t need to exhaust myself trying to make other people see what I really am. I don’t need to exert an awful lot of effort for them to know what I have behind this facade. The right ones will see the best in me and only them will have the privilege to experience it.
It’s an exploration she’s made of outer space
And her lips are like the galaxy’s edge
And her kiss the color of a constellation falling into place
I woke up 5am this morning and beyond a shadow of a doubt, I felt like I didn’t want to face the world today. No, seriously. I decided to just stay at home and condition myself to try again tomorrow.
Aura in her bored/crazy/vain/creative(?)/whatever-you-wanna-call-it mood.