The amount of unexpected kindness from strangers today brightened up my exhausted being - offering to carry my massive luggage every time the lift sign wasn’t in sight was just so wonderful. Stairs…I hated them today. Total hate.
1. My doodle planner/journal to write about the most random stuff in: about a satisfying meal, a guy with the perfect hair at the train station/airport or how beautiful a stranger’s laugh sounds like. Basically just about anything or anyone worth remembering. Yes, I’m sentimental like that.
2. “ Twenty years. Two people…” David Nicholls’ One Day is the one I’ll surely soak into for 16 hours or more.
My heart right now, is just full of tangled emotions that my brain finds it hard to even find the right words to convey them. Sometimes at least trying to write them down is much, much easier than talking to someone. Though it would be really lovely to just lay down or sit over coffee and just talk about some of your deepest thoughts- be it random or weird, I don’t care. I want to write, but I’m stuck. I want to feel but I feel like my heart is a little dense to let anything/anyone through at the moment.
On a lighter note, I’m getting a little excited with all these university stuff. I wonder which one I’ll be going to. hmmmm
You know when someone is really special but the sad part is, that’s all they’ll ever be- just special. Probably nothing more and nothing less. Maybe someday there’ll be something more, maybe. But the hopeful heart can be a little tricky. Time never fails us though.
So don’t go concluding that being in a relationship or a guy will solve your problems. They won’t. Don’t drag people into your miserable, unsatisfied life and create an even more miserable and unsatisfied life together.
Good morning last day of 2012!
Well, what can I say? I must admit I have been waiting for this day to come. I just wanted this year to end. I don’t want to say that this year is the worst. I think it’s safer to say, that I had better years. 2010 and 2011 were probably the best ones so far.
The thing about this year is that I felt like I’m not living the life MOST of the time. It’s been a little tasteless and monotonous. And (I know this is a strong word to use but) I HATED that I felt lifeless.
Be that as it is, I also realised that I have missed out the fine and the important details that were shadowed by all the overwhelming negativity. This year was not bad at all since:
Of course when I got back from my wonderful time in the Philippines, I’m now home with my family. Four long years being away is not a joke. I mean, I missed all of them and making up for those years just talking and catching up on everything we missed from each other’s lives is probably one of the precious stuff this year.
I had the motivation to find a job instead of staying at home doing nothing but cleaning and cooking and being bored thinking about the whole universe and why some people are just f*cking assh- (Okay. You get my point, right?) So yeah, it was nice to experience how it is that you make money for yourself and that it is not easy. I understand my parents better now.
Friends. Well certainly, I have made quite a few good friends here. I’m thankful for them for they spiced up my year and I hope I did the same to them too. The parties, the laughs, the good conversations and of course the time - I’m glad I met them (some in the most peculiar way which I always smile about.) Although, without a drop of doubt, I have been nostalgic most of the time thinking back about my mains back in the Philippines. It makes me sick how I can’t get back to the times we spent being crazy, drunk, shallow, deep, food whores, party addicts, etc. I considered myself as a goody good girl before. But when I met them, I realised that IT’S OKAY TO DO BAD THINGS AS LONG AS YOU’RE DOING IT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE. But they also taught me how to choose my fun. You just have to know that you want to get out of certain things. In my case, it’s the memories and experience.
Realisations. Lots and lots and lots of them but I’ll only mention a few. This year clearly told me to appreciate life, people, things and of course myself. I came to be aware of, again, the fact that hey! I’m a human being, susceptible to hurt and bad decisions and the ability to hurt others too. I had to forgive myself for that. Let it all go and now I know why I shouldn’t be feeling that way anymore. Life is awesome. Unpredictable but you always have to look on the brighter side. You know, the excitement of the unknown. That’s what keeps me going. And yes, to understand the reason why I shouldn’t waste time on the wrong people, even just talking about them. People who brings in negative vibrations. Every single action we make in our lives, be it right or wrong, good or bad, we did it because we wanted something from it. So if I leave certain people behind together with 2012, it’s because I want to and of course I have some pretty and some ugly reasons why.
God. I believe that He is the MOST important part of this year, the past years and the years to come. The world and the people in it can be really discouraging most of the time but His love is just so strong that it made me look at this disfigured universe and still find beauty in it. It’s an awesome feeling that even if everything is going wrong, once you are spiritually hydrated and once you believe in His plans, you will still feel safe. Trust.
So there it is. To be honest, as I was going on and on in this blog, I fully realised that 2012 wasn’t that bad. It’s funny how foolish I am to think I didn’t get anything good from it.
Roll on 2013! With you, I want to feel alive…again.
Sometimes, no matter how much you care, some people just won’t care back. Accept it. Stop stressing over it and just move on. Don’t waste your time on the wrong people.
There was this one time that I fell in love with a guy- wait let me rephrase that. There was this one time that I really liked a guy so much that I was really crazy about him. Yup, that’s more like it.
Anyway, of course my male buddies knew about it and I can always remember them telling me that if there’s a guy that I like, I should introduce him to them. So it came to a point that they did meet him. Unfortunately, most of them smelt the unpleasant he’s-a-jerk stench on him- that he’s a bad news. But there was me, too blinded by my romantic, young, not-so-wise, twitterpated, hopeful emotions, trying to defend him. My friends only warned me. Of course they didn’t stop me from seeing him or anything. Surprisingly(?), he turned out to be a jerk. Wait, no. Actually, he was not a jerk. Who am I kidding? He turned out to be a complete a*hole. (Yes, I said that with a smile on my face. Hah.) I was completely devastated that time. Luckily for me, I was blessed with my awesome friends and male confidants to get through it. To me tell how I should be more careful with guys the next time. I mean, I’ve seen them in their jerk days too. They’re no saints. Like what Sir Ramon Bautista said, all guys are jerks or has the potential to be. Just pray that during your time, they decide not to be one.
Moments like those, even how negative it was, I’m really thankful it happened. Because if it didn’t, I would probably make a lot of stupid decisions now or in the future. I think if I was myself a year ago, with that same mentality, I would probably sow a lot more regrets. And thank goodness for my friends. For helping me divert my attention to food! Urgh. 2011 was my fattest year. But undoubtedly the best!
“You deserve a guy who is good for you.Don’t settle for anything less. Don’t rush. I know waiting is not easy but trust me, it’ll be worth it.”
I can’t believe how simple things made me so happy this weekend. I know it won’t always be like this but I just feel so blessed to be given such an amazing family. Thank you Papa God. Thank you for everything.
You know when you actually get to the point when you felt you actually liked someone? Like you enjoy every conversation you had and you get the “kilig” feeling again after a long time because not a lot of guys can do that, that you see a potentially good thing? Both of you are just so different, which is a challenge. Yet, because of some “weird” reason, it’ll change. It’ll simmer down. Maybe because there’s this battle between your spontaneous/fun self and your logical/rational side that creates this certain weirdness. Or set all that aside, and just face the fact that in the back of your mind, you know such weirdness took place simply because he reminded you of someone you (for a slightly long time) tried so hard to forget. Now that it’s been said and done, I should sleep. And hopefully have some Japanese food tomorrow.
I can’t be in a relationship with anyone else because you still have this effect on me. Even though it’s fucking stupid, I admit you still do. You made me realise how much fixing I have to do to myself, that I am not ready to be in a serious commitment yet, how I have a lot of lapse in judgement when I get too overwhelmed with certain situations. I thank you for that. Thank you because if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have felt how it is to be hurt, how much it sucks. It kept me grounded, reminded me that I’m still human. I wouldn’t have known myself better and would’ve made some more bad decisions. I thought I had full control of myself, of everything. I was a fool. You were my first heart break. My kryptonite. :(